2011 saw the fairy-tale wedding of William and Kate, while Kim Kardashian’s marriage turned out to be a short story. Larry King, Oprah and Regis left their talk shows and Charlie Sheen left his sanity. Here’s our take on the year’s news.

JANUARY

ANGELINA JOLIE AND BRAD PITT DONATE $2 MILLION TO WILDLIFE SANCTUARY: They want to raise free-range orphans.

JOHN BOEHNER CRIES AS HE RECEIVES SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE GAVEL: Nancy Pelosi had been using it to crush onions.

OPRAH SAYS DEPRESSION MADE HER EAT 30 POUNDS OF MAC ‘N’ CHEESE: She also ate several small pets who had wandered into the room.

“MAD MEN” ACTRESS CHRISTINA HENDRICKS LOSES $850,000 BRACELET ON GOLDEN GLOBE’S RED CARPET: It fell into her cleavage, never to be seen again.

“JERSEY SHORE” WILL FLY TO ITALY FOR SEASON 4: Snooki says she’s really excited because she’s never been to Paris.

KARDASHIAN SISTERS CONTINUE TO DRAW HIGH TV RATINGS: It’s like “The Jersey Shore” with less puking.

HUMAN TORCH DIES IN CURRENT ISSUE OF “FANTASTIC FOUR”: He was standing behind The Thing after “taco night” at FF headquarters.

FEBRUARY

LOOTERS TEAR THE HEADS OFF 2 MUMMIES IN EGYPT: Find out they’re filled with creamy nougat.

SOUTH CAROLINA POLITICIAN SAYS STATE NEEDS OWN CURRENCY: Prefaced comments with, “I say, I say there.”

ROSEANNE BARR TO STAR IN REALITY SHOW SET IN HAWAII: The natives will throw virgins into her smoking mouth.

NICOLE KIDMAN SAYS FERTILITY HAS BEEN “A ROLLER-COASTER RIDE”: Which explains why she and Keith Urban are banned from Disneyland.

MARCH

STEVE CARELL HAS FILMED HIS LAST EPISODE OF “THE OFFICE”: NBC security met him at his cubicle with a cardboard box.

BOBBY BROWN SAYS HIS DAUGHTER DOESN’T DO DRUGS: Because Daddy doesn’t share.

BRITNEY AND K-FED REUNITE FOR SON’S LITTLE LEAGUE GAME: Violating several court orders involving proximity and baseball bats.

JERMAINE JACKSON PLANS TO TELL “WHAT REALLY HAPPENED” TO MICHAEL: Jermaine took him to a farm where he could run and play with the other animals.

ANN COULTER SAYS RADIATION IS GOOD FOR YOU: Then peels off latex skin to reveal glowing, green body made of anti-matter.

LEGENDARY BLUESMAN PINETOP PERKINS DIES: Goes by “Pinebox” now.

APRIL

KIRSTIE ALLEY LOSES A SHOE DURING “DANCING WITH THE STARS” PERFORMANCE: Luckily, there was a blacksmith in the audience.

PRINCE WILLIAM PARTIES AT SECRET BACHELOR BASH: William was heard shouting, “Off with their tops!”

KENDRA WILKINSON COMPARES “DANCING WITH THE STARS” TO SEX: Except for having just one partner.

MEAT LOAF HAS EPIC MELTDOWN ON “CELEBRITY APPRENTICE”: He got so hot he started making his own gravy.

KE$HA WANTS TO SKINNY DIP WITH BRITNEY SPEARS: Not enough chlorine in the world.

CHARLIE SHEEN SAYS HE’S BEEN IN TALKS TO RETURN TO “TWO AND A HALF MEN”: Mostly with the little man who lives in his shoe.

TYLER PERRY TELLS SPIKE LEE TO GO TO HELL: Or watch a “Madea” movie — same thing.

MAY

PRESIDENT OBAMA SAYS BIN LADEN IS NOT A TROPHY: Joe Biden sighs, removes the antlers from bin Laden’s head.

JUSTIN BIEBER GETS EGGED DURING AUSTRALIA CONCERT: Some girl threw her ovaries.

KATY PERRY BUNGIE JUMPS IN NEW ZEALAND: The flapping sound could be heard as far away as Australia.

JUNE

CLASSIC NOVEL “GONE WITH THE WIND” TURNS 75: Frankly, Scarlet, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.

HUGH HEFNER’S FIANCE CALLS OFF WEDDING AT LAST MINUTE: On the grounds that it would be “icky.”

STEVIE WONDER INDUCTED INTO APOLLO HALL OF FAME: Still doesn’t know he wasn’t really on the moon.

JULY

LINDSAY LOHAN TWEETS CRITICISM OF FEDERAL RESERVE: Unfortunately, Lohan thinks the Federal Reserve is where Yogi Bear lives.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE REVEALS STRUGGLE WITH ALCOHOL: He knew he had a problem after he barfed into the Sorting Hat.

KIM KARDASHIAN, FIANCE STUDYING THE BIBLE: Unfortunately, it keeps bursting into flames when she touches it.

KEVIN BACON DRIVES DOGS CROSS-COUNTRY TO VISIT KYRA SEDGWICK: He would have brought the cats, but they wanted to stop at the World’s Biggest Ball of Yarn.

OZZY OSBOURNE SHELLS OUT $10,000 FOR A YORKIE: He said it was delicious.

ANCIENT “FRANKENSTEIN” INSECT DISCOVERED: Scientists found it by following a trail of tiny, ancient villagers.

MICHELLE OBAMA TO APPEAR ON TV’S “EXTREME MAKEOVER”: The whole family enjoys a trip to Disney World while the White House is demolished.

DUCHESS KATE, QUEEN ELIZABETH TO BOND ON SUMMER VACATION: Two words: Body shots!

KANYE WEST AND JAY-Z TEAM TO BECOME THE THRONE: It sounds more impressive than “The Commode.”

CHILEAN MINERS SELL MOVIE RIGHTS TO THEIR STORY: Happy Meal tie-in comes with a blindfold, sense of despair.

AUGUST

HALF-HISPANIC SPIDER-MAN REVEALED: His wrists fire salsa.

ASTEROID’S CRUST STUNS SCIENTISTS: They didn’t expect it to be so flaky and delicious.

TAYLOR SWIFT HAS WARDROBE MALFUNCTION: Fans got a glimpse of her chastity belt.

RYAN REYNOLDS, SANDRA BULLOCK HIKE IN WYOMING: They washed their clothes in a stream using Ryan’s abs.

REBELS CAPTURE MOAMMAR GADHAFI’S COMPOUND: Last-minute assist from the Ewoks sealed the deal.

DAVID LETTERMAN BACK TO WORK AFTER JIHADIST DEATH THREAT: Coincidentally, Jihadist Death Threat is tonight’s musical guest.

SEPTEMBER

BEYONCE REVEALS PREGNANCY AT MTV AWARDS SHOW: Kanye West jumped up to say Beyonce has the best uterus ever.

BEN FLAJNIK IS THE NEXT “BACHELOR”: All of the contestants plan to keep their maiden names.

POLICE ARREST INTRUDER AT CELINE DION’S HOME: Celine was able to escape through the mail slot.

WHITNEY HOUSTON PLANS COMEBACK IN SCREEN MUSICAL ABOUT SUPREMES: Ain’t no mountain of cocaine high enough.

TOPLESS RIHANNA SHOCKS NORTHERN IRELAND FARMER: “No, I said tater TOTS!”

DAVID ARQUETTE SAYS “DANCING WITH THE STARS” IS GIVING HIM A SIX-PACK: He’s going to be really mad when he finds out the other contestants were paid in cash.

PETA TO LAUNCH PORN SITE IN NAME OF ANIMAL RIGHTS: “Honestly, honey, I was just trying to protect the bunnies.”

“DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL” REPEAL GOES INTO EFFECT: Popeye declares “I yam what I yam” without fear of reprisal.

NANCY GRACE HAS WARDROBE MALFUNCTION ON “DANCING WITH THE STARS”: Viewers want the death penalty — for their eyes.

OCTOBER

EX-”SESAME STREET” BOSS NAMED TO HEAD NATIONAL PUBLIC RADIO: Plans to market a “Tickle Me Terry Gross.”

FOX RENEWS “THE SIMPSONS” FOR TWO SEASONS: Spoiler alert: The series ends with Homer waking up in bed with Wilma Flintstone.

MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY OLSEN’S $39,000 BACKPACK SELLS OUT: Each one comes with either Mary-Kate or Ashley inside.

ZOMBIE ACTORS INJURED ON “RESIDENT EVIL 5” SET: Union demands safer working conditions, more brains.

“JERSEY SHORE” HOUSE RENTS FOR $2,500 A NIGHT: Not including penicillin.

NOVEMBER

WAL-MART HEIRESS OPENS MAJOR ART MUSEUM IN BENTONVILLE, ARK.: The “Poker-Playing Dogs” wing is fabulous.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE “MOVED” BY MARINE CORPS BALL: Those “Meals Ready to Eat” will do that.

DECEMBER

GUNS N’ ROSES ARE 2012 ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME INDUCTEES: Plan to show up at the 2015 ceremony.

WILD MONKEYS TO MEASURE RADIATION LEVELS IN FUKUSHIMA: We look forward to welcoming our new ape overlords.

REBECCA BLACK TOPS ALL OTHER YOUTUBE VIDEOS IN 2011: Thank heavens it’s almost 2012.

— DAVE LARSEN, RANDY PALMER, TERRY MORRIS