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October 30, 2008 | Sir Critic on Cinema
 

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Thursday, October 30, 2008

Are these the least scary movies of all time?

By Eric Robinette | Thursday, October 30, 2008, 11:47 AM

We’ve taken a look at the scariest movies - now let’s look at the ones that just aren’t frightening enough.

Question is, where do you begin when compiling a list of horror movies that miss the mark, when the genre is so creatively bankrupt? For way too many of them, it’s the same old song:

Hey look, isn’t that guy, kind of creepy? AAAAHHH!

(Slice)

Hey, let’s go down this path that has no light and a lot of obstructions! AAAAHHH!

(Dice)

Hey, let’s make out! Aaaahhh ….

(Splortch)

Hey, the killer is after me! Instead of running, I’ll cower in the corner and scream! AAAHHH!

(Sklitch)

Thank god, he’s finally dead! No he’s not! AAAHHH!!!

(Splatch)

See what I mean? If it’s not that, it’s movies that seem more concerned with outlandish gore than real scares. So what makes a horror movie truly scrape bottom? Yahoo Movies has some idea, with its users naming the following flicks:

The Happening: It doesn’t work, but it at least attempts something interesting, and I can’t fault a movie for trying. This is a too-easy target for people with short memories and doesn’t belong on the list.

The Wicker Man: Nicolas Cage has done a lot of goofy things on screen, but … a bear suit? Really? Even more scary was the fact that the talented Neil LaBute write and directed this. Reviews frightened me away.

Pulse: I can’t speak to it, but as far as I can tell, this is what we got for making The Grudge popular.

House of the Dead: Seems to me it would make more sense to say “Any movie directed by Uwe Boll.” Why pick just one?

Cursed: The reteaming of Scream creators Wes Craven and Kevin Willamson should have been an event, and it was - just not the kind they intended.

Thinner: I’ve not heard this mentioned much, and maybe for good reason. If we’re talking lame Stephen King movies, I vote to Maximum Overdrive, which he directed - very badly.

Halloween III: Season of the Witch: Had nothing to do with Michael Myers, but then again - most of the films in this series had nothing to do with how frightening the first movie really was.

Jaws: The Revenge: I saw Jaws 3D. That was reason enough to keep me away from this toothless mess.

Troll 2: You mean there was a Troll 1?

Plan 9 from Outer Space: Yes, it’s hilariously terrible, but it doesn’t belong here. Why not? Because for all his ineptitude, Ed Wood Jr. at least made his movies with a passion, unlike, say Uwe Boll.

Runners-up on the list included: feardotcom, Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, My Bloody Valentine, The Fog (supposedly the original, in which case - WRONG), Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2, Manos: The Hands of Fate, Orca, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, and Dark Water - the last of which I really liked, darn it!

So are these really the worst of the worst? If not, what is?

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What’s opening Friday, Oct. 31?

By Eric Robinette | Thursday, October 30, 2008, 10:55 AM

So what does Halloween bring us? In terms of new scary movies, not much.

The Haunting of Molly Hartley: Another teen-geared PG-13 “horror” movie? Geez, didn’t this subgenre die two or three years ago? The only reason it caught my eye was that it stars Haley Bennett, who was very appealing as the Britney/Christina-esque singer in the Drew Barrymore/Hugh Grant charmer Music and Lyrics. Well … I THOUGHT her career had promise.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno: Fear not that last word in the title. Kevin Smith’s new movie is much more romantic than smutty. Review posts Friday.

At the Arthouses

The Neon opens Jonathan Demme’s Rachel Getting Married, which I am extremely anxious to see because of all the buzz around Anne Hathaway’s performance. Seems she’s proving to people what thought for years: that she’s a first-rate actress and not just an appealing ingenue.

Religulous continues its run. The theater is also playing Mr. Smith’s Clerks and Jesus Christ Superstar as part of local film festivals. See their Web site for details.

The Little Art Theatre sports much the same lineup as last week: A Man Named Pearl, Gonzo: The Life and Work of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson and Religulous. The also have Jesus Christ Superstar.

The Holiday Auto Theatre drive-in in Hamilton has its terror lineup, with a quintuple feature of Plan 9 from Outer Space, Friday the 13th Part 2, Saw V, The Texas Chainsaw Masscare (remake), and Halloween (the 2007 version).

Permalink | Comments (0) | Post your comment | Categories: In Area Theaters

 

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