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Friday, August 29, 2008
The End of Summer Movie Awards
It may be a holiday weekend, but other than the reportedly excellent Man on Wire opening at Neon, the theatrical slate is … unremarkable, to put it charitably. It includes a Babylon AD, a movie that has been trashed by its own director; College, which probably is only funny if you’re on a beer binge; and a “comedy” that I don’t want to draw ANY attention to. To be fair, Hamlet 2 and Traitor have attracted decent if not spectacular reviews.
With such an unimpressive roster, for the weekend I’ll take one look back at summer and offer my own brand of movie awards.
Iron Man: The Worst Performance in a Good Movie goes to Jeff Bridges, a great actor who isn’t very good at playing villains.
Made of Honor : The THIS had to be Sydney Pollack’s Final Screen Appearance? Award
Speed Racer: The Way to Swallow Dark Knight Profits award. Warner Bros. released both films. Speed Racer bombed; The Dark Knight … didn’t.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: Flawed but not Nearly as Bad as Some People Said You Were.
Sex and the City: Movie Most In Need of a Nip and Tuck.
Kung Fu Panda: The New Vocabulary award with the word “Skidoosh.”
The Incredible Hulk: The Dubious Evaluation award for calling it a success when it made barely more money than the 2003 film.
The Love Guru: The How to Make People Wonder If You Were Ever Funny award, presented to Mike Meyers.
WALL-E: Best Picture
More after the jump …
Wanted: The Sound and Fury Signifying Nothing award.
Hancock: The I Wonder How He Would Have Handled the Joker query.
Kit Kittredge: An American Girl: The Shoulda Been a Contender award.
Hellboy II: The Golden Army: Victim of the Worst Release Date, only a week before The Dark Knight. It should have performed better than it did.
Meet Dave: Lamest Title.
The Dark Knight: The You Don’t Need Anything Because You Already Have Almost $500 Million award.
Mamma Mia!: The Best Performance in a Bad Movie award to Amanda Seyfried, who was sweet and subtle, unlike the movie itself.
The X Files: I Want to Believe: Most Ironic Title.
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor: The So Bad it Made Maria Bello Unappealing prize.
Star Wars: The Clone Wars: Crassest Commercial Disguised as a Movie.
Tropic Thunder: The Purple Heart for Weathering an Overblown Controversy prize.
The Rocker: The Sound of One Hand Clapping award for grossing a whopping $4 million. AKA The How to Make Meet Dave Look Like a Smash award.
Now give me your own film awards. What was the best movie? The worst movie? Feel free to come up with your own categories.
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